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EI Spice —gives a better taste to your marriage!

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As you are probably well aware, there is considerable empirical research indicating those who apply emotional intelligence to their lives are more broadly successful than those who don’t.  In other words, if you manage your anger when your boss criticizes you rather than shouting back, you will be more likely to be successful.  Your chances of success also increase if you can harness your emotions for self-motivation and respond productively to adversity. No doubt, EI is a career success skill.

Similarly,  it’s an easy stretch to confidently say that marriages that apply EI are much more successful than those that don’t. A patient never told me he or she was leaving his or her marriage because their partner was too understanding, or attentive to their needs, or supportive and encouraging.

I’ll spare you the case history of the couple that couldn’t resolve conflict, give positive criticism to each other, laugh together, and share their intimate thoughts and feelings, but then, as they applied EI to their marriage, it miraculously became better — just trust the point, that if you want better returns on your marriage investment, add some EI. Two actions to help you get started are: building relationship awareness and managing marriage emotions.

Build Relationship Awareness. High self-awareness tells you what your emotional nutrients are — the factors that you need to thrive, but for a marriage to thrive, you and your partner have to be aware of each other’s emotional nutrients so that you can assist each other in having your needs met. After all, you first entered the relationship because it met your emotional nutrients at the time.

What we need to grow changes all the time so it is EI marriage policy to frequently be aware of whether or not the marriage is supplying the emotional nutrients to your partner. When partners feel their relationship helps them grow, they are motivated to keep it going. Here is an EI marriage exercise to help:

You and your partner independently make two lists.
List 1: write down your three most important emotional nutrients.
List 11: write down what you think are the three most important emotional nutrients for your partner.
Exchange the list and use the results to brainstorm how the marriage can do better in meeting both your emotional nutrients.

Managing Marriage Emotions. An important finding in emotional research is that emotions impact performance for better or for worse. Some emotions, like anger and anxiety can either enhance or impede relationships and performance, while confidence, optimism, tenacity and enthusiasm typically enhance performance and make relationships productive. Depression almost always impedes performance and has a long-term effect of souring the relationship.

The implication here is that marriages that can manage anger and anxiety advantageously, avoid depression, and can create confidence, optimism, tenacity, and enthusiasm will be more rewarding than those who let anger and anxiety get out of hand or unable to generate happy times

What makes it difficult to manage marriage emotions? The emotional landscape that occurs when you are with your partner, is a process called emotional contagion. The term refers to the well documented fact that emotions can be likened to a social virus in that they spread from one person to another. Put another way, you can literally catch your partner’s anger, anxiety and depression, or similarly, you can mood infect your partner with confidence and enthusiasm.

Using emotional contagion to your advantage is the key to managing the emotions that impact your marriage. There are many skills you will need to learn.

The first step is to make sure you can “relax on cue.” Doing so reflects using your EI ability of being able to regulate your emotional arousal. Being able to regulate your emotional arousal allows you to immunize yourself to catching your partner’s emotions, thus allowing you to keep proper emotional perspective, something that is typically lost when both partners are experiencing anger, anxiety, frustration and fear.

These emotions typically increase emotional arousal and cause a mental rigidity that prevents one from making accurate interpretations of the situation and generate counter productive behaviors, like a shouting match or storming out of the house. Furthermore, when both partners simultaneously experience these emotions, the tendency is for each to feed the other, causing an upward spiral that fuels emotional turmoil. This is the danger of emotional contagion.

When both partners can regulate their emotional arousal, each is able to make accurate interpretations of the situation and in so doing, free themselves from being negatively influenced by the other’s emotions; you don’t yell back at your partner because she yelled at you, or you don’t become anxious when your partner’s anxiety about household expenses gets out of hand.

Staying relaxed in the face of these emotions allows, at least one person in the marriage, to keep proper emotional perspective and thus guide the marriage to better grounds.

Here’s an EI Marriage tip: On a daily basis for the next two months, practice a relaxation exercise with your partner.

The result will be that you will find that your marriage is better able to manage emotions that typically send partners to opposite sides of the house.

In future articles, I will provide more specifics on adding EI to your marriage. For now, building relationship awareness and combating emotional contagion so anger, anxiety, and fear do not get out of hand, is a good beginning to sweetening the deal you made with your partner — more better than worse!

For those of you in a rush to add EI to your relationship, go to www.drhankw.com

Did you take Pressure Dynamics 101 & 102? Both Required for Success

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Can you summon your talent at will?

Can you deliver on a deadline?

Can you sleep at night?

Don’t be a chump and think you actually perform your best under pressure –you don’t, and neither does Brady, LeBron, and for sure, not the President of the United States!

Studies conducted around the globe clearly indicate that nobody performs better when they feel pressure. Contrary to conventional wisdom, the edge is not rising to the occasion, but rather to immunize yourself to the injurious effects of pressure so that you can perform your best. The caveat is that your best might not be good enough but anything short often takes you out of the game.

Nevertheless, if you want to do your best in life and direct it with confidence, optimism, tenacity, and enthusiasm, then two classes you should definitely take are Pressure Dynamics 101 and 102.

I can’t claim to be an expert in thermodynamics but I do claim expertise in pressure dynamics, a term I coined that refers to the forces that combine to create feelings of pressure when we perform a task, whether it is giving a presentation, making a sales call, performing in an audition, taking a test, or playing in the company golf tournament. These 5 forces or dynamics are:

  1. Importance
  2. Uncertainty
  3. Desire for Incentive
  4. Aversion to negative outcome
  5. Responsibility

If you understand the effect of pressure dynamics, you can regulate feelings of pressure and minimize them so you can perform your best when it matters most.

Pressure Dynamics: 101

Focuses on how and why the 5 pressure dynamics intensify feelings of pressure

  • The more important you make a task you are to perform, the more pressure you will feel and the worse you do.
  • The more uncertain you are about how you will perform your task, the more pressure you will feel.
  • Desire for incentive: The more you want the incentive for performing successfully, the more pressure you will feel.
  • Aversion: The more you fear a negative outcome, the more pressure you will feel.
  • Responsibility: The more responsible you feel for the results of your task and to other people, the more pressure you will feel.

Pressure Dynamics: 102

Prerequisite: Pressure Dynamics 101

Focuses on how to leverage pressure dynamics for reducing pressure intensity. Some principles covered:

  • You can reduce your feelings of pressure by shrinking the importance of the task or situation.
  • You can reduce your feelings of pressure by increasing your confidence to perform the task.
  • You can reduce your feelings of pressure by focusing on doing your best rather than attaining the incentive.
  • You can reduce your feelings of pressure by challenging the irrational statements you associate with a negative performance outcome and affirming your self-worth.
  • You can reduce your feelings of pressure by sharing your feelings.

To master pressure management, go to: https://hankweisingerphd.com/b2c/

The Pressure-Less Diet: Lose the weight that burdens you.

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Are you ready to lose the weight that slows you and often keeps you down? Do you want to lose the weight that makes you anxious, fearful, short-tempered at work and home, and robs you of enthusiasm? If “Yes” be your answer, you ‘re ready to go on the pressure—less diet.

The pressure-less dietit’s based on the twenty fives of research summarized in my latest book, Performing Under Pressure (put in link) that concludes most people experience daily feelings of pressure akin to a weight upon their shoulders, a burden to be carried 24/7 and your life is apt to feel sour. The pressure-less diet reduces your daily feelings of pressure, and unlike most diets, sweetens your life up too!

Because we all want to succeed in the tasks we deem important we all experience pressure moments. For these pressure moments —a job interview, an audition, an important test, a presentation, we can learn specific “pressure solutions” that help us manage our anxieties, fears, self-consciousness that often cause us to perform below our capabilities. We encounter pressure moments –like a holiday dinner—intermittently throughout the year.

Too many people, though, experience pressure feelings everyday—not jus in a particular pressure moment. The extra pressure becomes a burden — extra weight that they have to carry around, pressed, squeezed the world upon their shoulders is how they feel.

People gain this extra weight by becoming pressure pigs —they stuff themselves with pressure often without even realizing it. You will too if you don’t break this hardwired pressure-eating habit: confusing your wants with your needs.

Start to understand the diet’s science by asking yourself, “What’s the difference between a want and need?” One woman put it this way: “a need is clothes. A want is a channel label.”

For early man, wants and needs were the same — his wants were literally equivalent to needs. He wanted food because he needed it to survive.

Today you gain extra pressure if you equate wants to needs because in your mind, you then feel as though you have to attain your wants to survive —this was true for early man but not for you. You might want a Mercedes but you won’t perish if you don’t attain one, and while you want a bigger house for your family, you can still be happy in a smaller one. Most women would like to show up at a party wearing Prada but if they feel they have to, the Devil will make them pay with pressure to get them.

Treating your wants as needs increases the importance of your wants and thus adds more pressure on you to achieve them. Simultaneously, thoughts of not getting them stimulate anxiety and fear. Treating wants as needs gives you a big appetite and you become a pressure pig —you eat a lot of pressure.

Eat less pressure by short -circuiting the primal association that equates wants and needs by expressing your wants as wants, not as needs. Feeling less pressure and being more appreciative of what you have are some of the diet’s results.

Make a list of your needs and transform each into a want and you’ll see that most of your needs are exaggerated wants. Does your son or daughter “really need” the new iPhone —or is that what he or she wants to keep up with the other kids? “I need a nice car” is a different message to your self than “I want a nice car”. Most people do want a nice car, but those who treat the want as a need will feel compelled to buy a status brand, even though they cannot afford it. When you recognize that you want a nice car but in fact, any reliable car will do, you experience less pressure and in fact, more at ease.

Your hard wiring makes the pressure-less diet hard to stick to but you can stay on course by remembering Keith Richards’ message: “You can’t always get what you want, but you can get what you need!”

Now check out the online workshop, Performing Under Pressure: at https://hankweisingerphd.com/b2c/

 

 

Daily Pressure Reducers—they help you chill.

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Sometimes we need a pressure solution for the moment—-a presentation, crucial conversation, job interview, or golf put.

Other times to do our best and to protect our mental and physical well being, we need to rid ourselves of the daily nagging feelings that pressure thwarts upon us that make us feel the heat 24/7.  We need pressure reducers—strategies that help immunize ourselves to daily pressure feelings.

Here are 10 to build into your daily activities:

  • Affirm Your Self –Worth
  • Take a 15 Minute Walk
  • Practice Meditation, Yoga, or Relaxation
  • Work on Your Own Excellence
  • Share Your Pressure Feelings
  • Be Appreciative of What You Have
  • Expect Good Things to Happen
  • Focus on What You Can Control
  • Use Positive Self-Talk
  • Smile & Laugh

 The more you use these pressure reducers, the more your days will be pressure-less!

If you want to know the rationale behind each pressure reducer, read Performing Under Pressure or take the performing under pressure E Workshop.

Your Performance Appraisal: Is Your EI Working?

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If ever time to work your emotional intelligence, it’s when you have your performance appraisal. After all, when was the last time you said to a friend or your partner, “Gee, I can’t wait until tomorrow — I have my performance appraisal.”

For most, PA triggers all sorts of anxieties and often the process promotes defensiveness peppered with anger with results of disappointment, dejection, and even depression, not the best for inspiring improvement. You can turn it around by using three components of your emotional intelligence — mood management, interpersonal expertise, and self-motivation. I’ll walk you through each.

Mood Management refers to many skills but here it is your ability to manage your emotions. Start by recognizing that emotions are a composite of your thoughts, physical arousal, and actions. Together, these factors form your emotional operating system, each influencing the other. Your goal is to make each work for you rather than against you.

Take your thoughts first. Do you cognitively appraise your performance appraisal as threatening? Telling your self, “This performance appraisal is going to be terrible,” is apt to increase your heartbeat, promote defensive behavior and make it difficult for you to enter your manager’s office with a positive attitude. In effect, your thoughts are working against you.

Help yourself by taking control of your “thought talk” so you can tell yourself, “This is an opportunity to learn how I can be more effective.” This line of thinking will help you be receptive to the information being presented to you.   Tell yourself, “Don’t interrupt. Let the individual fully articulate their thoughts so I can understand what he or she is trying to communicate.” These thoughts will keep you receptive to the evaluation that is coming your way.

if you find yourself interrupting, making excuses, or raising your voice, you’re becoming defensive. Use these behaviors as a cue that your physical arousal is jacked up. The more aroused you become, the more defensive you will act. You can quickly regain control of your arousal by regulating your breathing. Do this by breathing slower and deeper. You’ll find yourself feeling cool, calm, and collected and allow you to listen better.

Managing your thoughts and physical arousal as suggested will help you manage your behavior so you don’t say things impulsively that will get you in trouble.

Interpersonal Expertise refers to your skills for relating well to others. Here, you want to listen and take criticism non-defensively. Most people appraise criticism as being told something negative about themselves so it is no wonder that most people respond defensively when criticized. This translates into not interrupting and making excuses.

Reminding yourself that your goal is to benefit from the appraisal will help you hear criticism as “information that can help you grow.” Your job is to get your boss/supervisor to fully articulate their thoughts so you can gain awareness into how you are perceived. Ask for suggestions that will help you improve so you can formulate an action plan. If you are not understanding what is being said, ask for more information, “Can you tell me more…it would help.” Refrain from making evaluations and debating issues. “I disagree, you are wrong.” Stay non-defensive by using productive thought-talk and regulating your breathing.

Self-Motivation is your ability to get started on your own, especially when you do not fancy the task at hand.  Here, self -motivation is important for helping you take action on what you have learned. To make it easier to self-motivate, take one improvement suggestion at a time — doing so will prevent you from being overwhelmed. Block off a specific time period each day (time lock) to do a specific improvement oriented task (focal lock) such as completing your paper work so you can hand it on time. Monitor your progress and ask your boss for his or her observations on weather or not he or she thinks you are improving. Use their observations to work for you.

Performance appraisal does not have to be filled with anxiety and promote defensiveness and dejection. It can be a great opportunity, about yourself, what is important to your boss, and improve your effectiveness. In effect, all you have to do is put your emotional intelligence to work!

I’d like to hear how you use your EI during your performance appraisals.

 

If you feel pressure giving or receiving a performance appraisal, you may find this useful: https://hankweisingerphd.com/b2c/

 

Mother Nature on Leadership

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What’s you theory of leadership? How do you define and evaluate effective leadership? While we all have our thoughts on leadership, only Mother Nature can take credit for inventing, or more accurately evolving leadership.

Long before leadership development became a business, Mother Nature recognized that effective leadership has evolutionary utility — it advances a group and helps establish the groups (or company’s”) “ecological niche,” the role they play in their environment. Similarly, bad leadership can make a group extinct.

In accordance with evolutionary science, Mother Nature spent little time in defining or theorizing about leadership. Instead, she focused on evolutionary utility– the functions that an effective leader must perform if he or she is to establish a strong ecological niche for the group.

Through the science of natural selection, those leadership functions that helped a leader establish an ecological niche became hardwired into effective leadership behavior. The evidence for this claim is that specific functions become more and more prominent in and across species as you go up the evolutionary ladder.

The better the function is performed, the stronger the group’s ecological niche. The better the functions are performed, the more effective the leadership. Your own observations and experiences will show this to be 100% percent true. Success as a leader can be predicted by how well he or she performs the specific functions.

I’ve read countless books on leadership, have had discussions with many business school “leadership experts,” have listened to many self-proclaimed leadership gurus, have worked with dozens of companies all having their own leadership practices, and I am familiar with the majority of leadership theories.

All in all, when I consider accessibility, application, theoretical coherency, empirical evidence, professional observations, and I’d say that an evolutionary perspective of leadership is the most robust I’ve ever encountered, certainly the most interesting. Give it some thought.

As you review the functions of leadership and the questions they generate, ask yourself how well the leader of your company performs each. Similarly, as head of a division, department, team leader or project manager, assess yourself on how well you perform each function on behalf of those you lead. For the upcoming Presidential election, whom do you think will perform these functions best? To reiterate, leadership success is a function of how well an individual performs these specific functions.

Guard the welfare of the group—How well does your President protect your company? It wasn’t too long ago that it became obvious that leaders of Financial Institutions, Insurance and Auto companies took care of themselves at the expense of their group. How well do you protect your team? Give yourself examples if you can. A Presidential candidate who wants to build up the military to protect the welfare of his group – America –is sure to trump other leaders.
Promote Harmony: Few, if any groups advance when their people war with each other —those countries that do occupy the smallest ecological niche. Why do you think emotional intelligence evolved? So people could write books on the subject and give presentations? Emotional intelligence evolved because it helps promote harmony among people. How well does your leader promote a culture that is characterized by productive conflict resolution and fairness, cooperation instead of competition, listening, empathy and positive criticism? These are all skills that help a leader achieve harmony within the group. How well do you promote harmony in your relationships and family? It was smart for Trump to pronounce that he is a “peacemaker” in his recent foreign policy speech.

Direct the Course –The alpha wolf stays several steps ahead of the pack. He does this so he can direct the pack’s course of travel to find a prey. Similarly, effective leadership requires directing the group on a path that will lead to success—developing their ecological niche. Does your CEO have a clear vision to where he or she wants to take the company and a strategy to do it? How well do you set the course of your team? Do you communicate expectations and clarify goals? Does your staff understand where you are leading them? Which Presidential Candidate do you think can direct a successful course for America to take? Whose vision of America do you prefer?

Procreate the Group –It’s an ecological law –the more members of a species, the less likely it is endangered. Mother Nature tells us that a leadership function is to ensure the future of the group, to make it procreate so the group inevitably becomes self-perpetuating. How well does your leader develop talent and retain talent? How well do you develop your staff? Which Presidential candidate do you think is more likely to help America grow economically?

To improve your leadership skills, learn how to manage pressure. https://hankweisingerphd.com/b2c/

Develop Your Emotional Intelligence

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If you are interested in developing your emotional intelligence, watch this video from a few years ago.  And watch the whole video, not just the first ten minutes or less.https:

Dr. Hendrie Weisinger – Emotional Intelligence (EI) is a Technology Manager’s Greatest Asset – RPS 2012
vimeo.com
Emotional Intelligence factors are now considered to have a greater impact on individual and group performance than traditional measures, such as IQ. According to Dr …

 

 

 

Would You Rather Marry Stress or Pressure?

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One, if not the most frequent question I am asked when speaking on the topic of performing under pressure is, “What is the difference between stress and pressure?” Most people, even academic researchers, mistakenly use the two terms interchangeably. Here’s the difference:

Stress occurs when you perceive the demands of the situation outweigh your abilities to respond. Too many bills too little cash is a stressful situation most of America can relate too. Stressful situations transform into feelings of being overwhelmed.   Your goal is stress reduction.

Pressure occurs when you are in a situation in which you have something at stake and the outcome is dependent on your performance. Pressure moments transform into feelings of having to perform successfully often with attached feeling of impending doom if you don’t. When you are in a pressure moment, your goal is to perform, to deliver the goods.

Most individuals blur the difference and merge the feelings of stress and pressure — they respond to stressful moments as though they are do or die pressure moments thus causing themselves to be on high alert 24/7. This was okay for early man because for him, stressful moments were pressure moments and failure to perform the task at hand—finding food, escaping a predator-did lead to extinction.   As man evolved and began to master the tasks his environment demanded upon him, the do- or die pressure moments became less frequent. Every stressful moment was no longer a do or die moment. An unsuccessful hunting day was buffered by the fact that there were still vegetables and fruits. No one would starve.

This is true today. We have many stressful moments, but they are not all pressure moments. When we confuse the two, our emotional response to daily stressful demands is out of proportion. We end up wasting valuable psychological capital that would be better served helping us perform our best in actual pressure moments when we need to do our best. Remember, pressure adversely downgrades our performance so adding “extra pressure” to an already stressful day only makes you perform worse, be it when making decisions or relating to others at work and at home.

A useful tip I’ve learned: every time you feel pressure, ask yourself, “Do I feel overwhelmed,” or “Do I have to produce a specific response.”   If you answer, “overwhelmed,” you are most likely experiencing nothing more than the daily stress of multiple demands. Take a few deep breaths to relax, prioritize your tasks, delegate when you can; these are all familiar stress management techniques that can help you right now feel less overwhelmed by the demands upon you.

If you have to produce a specific response, be it a decision or presentation, it’s a pressure moment. Relax, and then direct your attention to the specific task you have to perform so you can produce it.

If you still need further clarification, consider whom you would rather be married to: Stress or Pressure?

If your partner is Stress, you’re told: “Do this, Do This, Do this, and when you are done, do that.”

A barrage of nagging demands (stressors) is made upon you. Upon rational analysis, you are quite certain that reality would dictate no mortal soul could respond satisfactory to the Nag—the demands are endless.   While you use to get upset, you learned that your salvation is the realization that although you live with a Nag you really don’t have to do what the Nag requires. Instead, you can deal with the stress of the many demands, by for example using humor or making a compromise or increasing your business travel to get some respite. Exhaustion, frustration, and anger are the frequent feelings associated with living with a Nag.

If your partner is Pressure, there will still be demands made upon you, but with addition. Besides telling you what you have to do, your Pressure also tells you that you better succeed or put yourself at risk. In other words, if pressure could speak, it would say: “You have to do this specific task and you have to do it successfully. Or you are out.” Indeed, many people would testify that their relationship ended when he or she –or their partner– did not perform to expectations. Threatened, anxious, fearful, and insecure are the feelings you are apt to experience when you live with a Pressure partner.

Stress may be a painful Nag—often to get you to do things, for your own good. A pain-in-the neck friend if you will. Pressure is a different story. It threatens you and worsens your performance.   It’s no friend. It’s your nemesis, a villain in your life.

Stress & Pressure —while they go together like a horse and carriage, you can have one without the other!

Check out my new online workshop, https://hankweisingerphd.com/b2c/